No matter how long you have played golf, the game will always find new ways to surprise, frustrate and occasionally embarrass you. Fortunately, it also provides an endless supply of stories, excuses and wonderfully questionable advice.
Some of the funniest comments are not delivered by comedians or professional golfers. They are overheard on the fairway, beside a bunker or in the clubhouse after someone has carefully reconstructed their scorecard.
Another memorable comment came from a professional I once played with during a pro-am:
Below are some of our favourite golf quotes, jokes and one-liners. There should be enough to get you through 18 holes, plus a few extras for the clubhouse.
Famous Funny Golf Quotes
Classic observations from golfers, entertainers, athletes and public figures.
I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: it’s called an eraser.Arnold Palmer
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.Commonly attributed to Raymond Floyd
If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.Dean Martin
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.Gerald R. Ford
It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.Hank Aaron
Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do and what your nerves let you do.Bruce Crampton
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.Ben Hogan
Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six and write down five.Paul Harvey
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.Jack Lemmon
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.George Deukmejian
Golf One-Liners
Short enough to remember, and usually delivered immediately after someone else’s bad shot.
Right club. Wrong golfer.Traditional course banter
Good miss.The least helpful compliment in golf
My golf game has improved dramatically. I now lose balls much farther down the fairway.Golfasian
The best quality in a golf partner? They play worse than you do.Anonymous
I thought you had made that.Said immediately after you did not
You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.Lee Trevino
Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent managing the damage.Anonymous
At least you found it.Usually said beside a tree
The safest club in my bag is the one I leave in it.Anonymous
The scorecard never tells the full story, especially after the third drink.Golfasian
Golf Jokes
Some are old, some are terrible, and that is precisely why they belong in the clubhouse.
Why do golfers carry two pairs of socks? In case they get a hole in one.Traditional golf joke
Golf? You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. Then the winner buys the drinks.Anonymous
Why was the golfer arrested? For carrying an illegal driver.Traditional golf joke
What is a golfer’s favourite type of music? Swing.Traditional golf joke
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.Lee Trevino
Why did the golfer bring an extra shirt? In case he got a hole in one.A second version of the classic
Sex and golf are two things you can enjoy even if you are not particularly good at them.Popularised by the film Tin Cup
Why are golfers always calm? They know how to avoid unnecessary rough.Traditional golf joke
My doctor told me to take up something relaxing, so I stopped keeping score.Anonymous
The quickest way to improve your lie is to wait until nobody is looking.Anonymous
Funny Golf Wisdom
Advice that is occasionally useful and almost always true.
The most important shot in golf is the next one.Ben Hogan
It’s good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.Commonly attributed to Mark Twain
I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet.Muhammad Ali
Do not take yourself too seriously. You have to have a sense of humour.George Steinbrenner
A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the group ahead.Golfasian
Never let a bad round ruin a perfectly good day at the clubhouse.Anonymous
A hole-in-one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules must pass through on its way to the hole.Mac O’Grady
The trees are 90 percent air, but golf balls always find the other 10 percent.Anonymous
Golf teaches patience. Mostly while looking for your ball.Golfasian
The best recovery shot is the one you never needed to attempt.Anonymous